I dropped Emelie off at the airport this morning. She was visiting for three weeks after not seeing each other for six months. We had a great time. I was able to balance my work and she was able to keep busy when I was working. I had to deal with something at the beginning of the trip and it worked out fine. Everything went well. We went into “couple mode” really quick. But leaving “couple mode” is much harder.
When you are away from your significant other for so long you start to forget what it was actually like to be with them. All you know is it feels really good. You feel happier. You feel calmer. You feel more confident. It is just this blurry happy memories. Now those memories are fresh in my mind and it pains me to know what I will be missing.
I forgot how fun being with Emelie was. When we are away my feelings about our relationship are much more negatively emotional than when we are together. I have this longing. This want for someone. It is exhausting. It is lonely. It isn’t fun. When Emelie is with me I wouldn’t write a sad blog post about our relationship while crying to Sigur Ros. But since shes gone that is exactly what I am doing. It sucks.
I am going to miss having someone to always talk to when I get home. To hold me when I am sad or stressed. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can talk about bullshit for with for hours and never get bored. Someone who makes me feel calm. Someone who has an amazingly unique perspective and loves to talk. That is something huge too. Talking. Skyping is shitty. It is like a blurry choppy conversation where you miss half of the non-verbal expressions and subtleties. Sitting in silence isn’t the same on Skype.
I saw something today while walking to lunch and I turned instinctively to tell Emelie and I realized that I would be able to do that for awhile. A long while. Turn back the counter we are back to waiting for a date. Something to count down the months, then weeks, then days then hours. The good news is that time is super fucked up and every year that I get older I feel like time moves faster especially when I am slaving away at a repetitive job.
Not being around Emelie is lonely. I feel like all of my thoughts and anxieties just rattle around in my own head with nowhere to go. It is weird going from talking to someone for hours when I am finished with work to saying nothing. It sucks. I like to talk.
Emelie is flying through the air right now. I miss her so much. This is bullshit.
Here are some of her favorite American things.
I tried to clean up my iTunes library today. I sorted the songs by date added so I could have a nostalgic trip through the last four years of my life. To laugh and cringe at some of my musical habits of the past plenty of which I thought was deep and insightful at the time but now I see as boring and simple. I am sure I will be cringing to my musical choices now in five years but not probably not nearly as much. I don’t think that is possible. But what I am writing about today isn’t from my iTunes. No it is my Spotify playlist Airy Hipster Music.
I made the playlist on February 3rd 2013. Five days before Emelie and I would “couple up”. The first song on the playlist is Union by Deptford Goth. The song perfectly captured my mood at the time. It is moody yet serene. I was at the halfway point of my year abroad. I had lost my virginity only a few weeks before. My friends from first semester were leaving. But I was okay with that. In fact I welcomed it. I was ready for a change and I didn’t want to drifting away even though I knew that was best for me. I had found a new community working at Kalmar. It was one of the few times in my life where I felt welcomed and liked by a group of people for being myself. I remember walking back from Kalmar in the snow. Headphones in my ears as I trudged through the snowscape admiring the beauty of Uppsala while examining my life in the most self-indulgent way possible. And I don’t really mean that in a bad way. It was probably the most pivotal point in my personal development during my entire life. All of this shit just sort of happened in one and a half months. And it was mentally straining. My anxiety about “doing it right” probably worsened by a horrible sleep schedule and drinking fairly regularly would leave me a mess sometimes. I constantly felt like even though I had all of these things that were going well for me it wasn’t going good enough. There would always be another step. I felt isolated but also I felt accepted. But this was also mixed with moments of extreme happiness.
When Emelie and I started going out this fluctuation did not change. Everyone talks about how being in love for the first time is amazing. They leave out the horrible anxiety that you get because you are terrified of getting hurt. That can make it hard to fall in love. You look for reasons not to. I was scared about falling in love and then having to leave. I was scared Emelie would want to be casual. I was scared Emelie would cheat on me. I was scared that I didn’t really know Emelie and this was insane. I was scared that I we would break up and then working at Kalmar would be ruined. I was scared of all of those things. But it worked out. The highs were way better than the lows and our lovestruck honeymoon period was amazing. I can’t really remember any specific details but for a month or two it was blissful.
The Monday after we first “coupled up” we worked together. At the sexa Emelie suggested that I should just sleep over instead of walking the long walk back to Flogsta. I remember when she asked that Union was playing through the pub speakers. Or maybe I played it before. Or after. Or maybe I didn’t play it all but I added it after the fact to try and add a soundtrack to my exciting memories. But for that week in February I could not stop listening to that song. The song repeats the line: “I belong with everyone, everyone I’ve ever known//I belong with everyone, everyone I’ve ever known is here, /With me.” with the chorus saying “Everything that comes together/everything that falls apart in here/in every single living thing. /Everything that comes together /everything that falls apart in here /in every single living thing.” Somehow these lyrics in the sung in his gloomy voice captured my mood perfectly. The highs of feeling like you are connected to everyone around you but still feeling alone. Hearing “I belong with everyone, everyone I’ve ever known//I belong with everyone, everyone I’ve ever known is here, /With me.” allowed me to see all of my connections that I have had with people in a positive light. Something that just happened.
I could go on with my pseudo-spiritual-intellectual ramblings about everyone being interconnected and leaving part of themselves in everyone that they interact with and how that is beautiful. Actually I couldn’t. I can’t really formulate or justify that thought besides saying that it makes me feel reassured.
The rest of the Airy Hipster Playlist is pure joy. It reminds me of Uppsala turning green, dancing in the kitchen, kissing in bed, making coffee at 1PM, going to fika on Sunday it is all of those memories and more. Those few months for me were incredible. I remember in May thinking to myself that we will never be able to live like this again and that thought made me incredibly sad.
I feel slightly odd posting this post on a blog about our relationship. It is mostly about me. Also it is kind of sad. I was originally going to write a bunch of short silly things I thought of while bored as shit at my new internship. But then it turned into this. The next one will be silly I promise.
I am probably just going to keep naming my blog posts variations of “ramblings”. I don’t really have cohesive ideas to write about right now. More just like fleeting thoughts that I can’t fully form into a cohesive blog post. But whatever. I can try.
I popped in the Real Estate mixtape in my car stereo today. It has been sitting unused in my car for six months. It is pretty cool I managed to fit two albums of Real Estate on one cd by deleting a few of the songs. But you would never notice because all their songs bleed together into one soundtrack of pleasured filled youthful summers in suburbia. I haven’t listened to it for six months because Emelie and I listened to the cd probably 8 times while driving along the coast of California. Soon the carefree opening chords to “It’s Real” became maddening. When you listen to music that you haven’t for long period it has this power to bring you back to the time that you last listened to it. Listening to the CD I was brought back to days of driving around with Emelie, holding her hand, with the faint smell of recently eaten Taco Bell lurking between us. It was nice to be reminded of how much I loved the trip that we took. I can’t wait until she visits again.
I had three beautifully productive days of studying last week. Then I kinda crashed into some kind of sad tiredness again. It wasn’t as stressed and panicky as it usually is, but enough to distract me from what I need to do. So I knitted for three days straight instead. Now my shoulders kinda hurt. I need a massage or something.
Today I realized that there is no way I’ll have time to read all the literature, so I decided to skim some chapters very sloppily to try to make out if they are relevant to the exam questions or not. If not I mark them, so I don’t waste energy on reading things that I can’t use. It feels more manageable this way.
The substitute teacher pool-thing for Uppsalas preschools opened up for applications again, but I can’t apply from here because I need a date printed on a piece of paper at home.
Anders is unable to water my plants this week, so I’ll have to go home anyway. So I’ll apply tomorrow.
I wonder if I can use my vibrator for neck/shoulder massaging.
So I visited Emelie. It was a great month. Coming back to Uppsala was an amazing. The city seemed so similar to how I had left it. Cities don’t change just because one person leaves. Emelie had to work during the week. She would leave around 1130 and get back at 530ish. Even though I would love to have spent every moment with her I sort of enjoyed this schedule for one reason, it made me feel like we were a “regular” couple. We were seperated for a good chunk of the day. I would wander around Uppsala, go to Kalmar, play video games, read and relax.
Because we were strapped for time we made sure we made the most of the time we did have together. Every weekend we would do something rather than just hanging about the house. The first weekend we went for an awesome picnic hike, the second we went to Gothenburg so I could see a non-Stockholm Swedish city, the third weekend I met Emelie’s family which was fun and 100% less awkward than I thought it would be, the last weekend us along with a friend rented a car and drove to Falun (real sweden) to go camping.
It was an amazing trip. But now I am back home. I got assigned to do a bunch community service for something that happened before I left for Sweden so I am working on that now. Basically I sort clothes at a thrift store. It is pretty fun as far as court mandated community service goes. I find lots of cool things that I can snapchat to Emelie. The volunteers are mostly older women who can share some of their wisdom with me. Alot of that wisdom is about when to get hip replacements and the anxieties of retirement. I’ll store it away for later. Now that I think of it I am pretty much on the opposite end of life as them. I am looking for work and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, they have finished work and are still looking to do with their life to fill the massive amount of time they have been given. A disturbing amount of the older volunteers seem to like to like to respond to “How are you doing?” with “Well I am not dead.” I think they get a kick out of reminding people of the fragility of life.
I am almost done with my community service and now I am looking for work. This makes me excited and nervous at the same time. I am excited by all the interesting work possibilities that I can pursue. I am free to do whatever I like now. I have no commitment to work or school. Nothing is set in stone. I have no idea where I will be in three months. For me I am mostly excited by this thought, but I am also terrified. “What if I can’t find work anywhere?” “What if I suck at the work that I do get?” “What if I get a job and really like it and then have to make choice about leaving it to move to Sweden?” all these thoughts cross my mind. But I am still staying optimistic and excited.
Before I wrote this post I was reading some of my posts from September where we had about month of long distance. Looking at those posts made me realize how much more comfortable I have become with a long distance relationship. Sure I still miss Emelie intensely and have cuddle/sexing cravings but it isn’t as soul crushing as it was during those first few months. That was an incredibly hard time in my life. Like most incredibly hard times I don’t really realize that they were shitty until much later. But now I feel secure. I feel like this relationship is worth it. I think that we are worth it.
I am glad Emelie took the initiative to resurrect this blog. I think communicating this way allows us to express ourselves in a different way. When we can’t touch each other we got use every other way of communication to let the other person know we are there for them
So I was thinking that I should write more about my day to day life here, and so should Joe because he is a wonderful starflower with a writing style that cracks me up and makes me think every time.
It also makes perfect sense for us to do so on our LDR blog for this reason: we are two people who wants to spend our days and lives with each-other, but can’t at the moment because ocean. And right now we’re in this period of not being able to skype that often, so why not use this as a communication channel for a while?
So as I mentioned in the last post I’m babysitting cats this week. What I didn’t mention is that I’m doing this for two weeks, in Gävle, for a person I actually don’t know. I found her on twitter. Oh dear.
She turned out to not be insane, I didn’t die when I went to meet up with her, and the cats are amazing. There are three of them, all with their personal little quirks and traits, and I keep waking up with them next to or on me. I am in heaven. Also the apartment has a bathtub. Amazing.
While I’m doing this I’m also part time studying a course on Children and Horror Literature to work up those credits I pooped away by being I don’t know depressed or something, and also I’m unemployed again. So I’ll need to fix that as soon as possible.
I’m viewing this as sort of a vacation. I get to fart around in a nice apartment, petting cats, reading books, drinking tea, taking baths and stuff. It’s very relaxing and I think I’ve been needing this for a while. It’ll do me good.
Wow, so we really haven’t posted anything in a long while.
Joe was here for a beautiful summer month. We had a great time, and there might be pictures from it coming up here eventually. Joe is really good at taking pictures. If I had the money I’d get him a camera, so he wouldn’t have to borrow his brothers all the time.
After he left the weather was really shitty up until like last week, when we suddenly got this heat wave. I can not handle heat.
I think the plan is that I’m visiting him next time, probably around the same time as last time. I really wish I could pop over shortly for his birthday, but there is no way I’ll afford plane tickets this late. But we can dream. We do a lot. And then we talk about them on skype, laughing at them and sometimes analyzing them. I’ve had very vivid ones lately.
I’m babysitting cats this week. That’ll be fun.